A Petite Memoir
Date Published: 06-04-2021
Publisher: Equal Age
At 31 years of age, Claire Ishi Ayetoro has lived enough lives to fill an ensemble cast. In this, her first memoir, no topic is off-limits as she paints portrait after portrait of her triumphs and her battles with bipolar disorder, religiosity, and that ever elusive cure-all: love. A vividly compassionate depiction of psychosis, Ayetoro weaves words of wisdom, encouragement, and inspiration into every layer of her storytelling. Journey with her through the mountains and valleys of manic depression, guided by that singular spirit of flight: the black raven. You never know, it may even be calling to you.
Excerpt:
Snippet #1
Mania
There is usually a ramp up from hypomania into mania. In
mania, the brain is on fire. I can imagine if I were to see a live brain scan
of myself when in a manic state, every region would be lit up, the lack of
sleep and lack of food forcing the brain into a survival mode. One of the
classic symptoms is rapid speech. Jumping from topic to topic as one engages in
conversation with another, as though receiving a constant stream of insight and
inspiration. Senses are heightened. One may experience a more pronounced
ability to smell, hear, and see. But it gets worse. One can be overtaken by
intense paranoia, unable to trust anyone or anything. One loses their ability
to reason, think and act rationally, and begins to run on autopilot as the
subconscious mind takes over. One may also experience a sense of altered time,
events pausing, splitting, skipping, or fast forwarding. There can be a sense
that one is interacting with the spiritual realm, or feeling able to move
through time and space between dimensions.
When in this state, I pose a serious risk to myself and
others.
Snippet #2
At 9 pm that evening, still in my work attire, I grabbed my
wallet, got into my Toyota Solara and headed down the interstate toward the
refinery.
I drove out of the apartment complex and took a left. I
lived less than a minute from the interstate. I approached the first exit, and
suddenly, I lost control of myself and the vehicle. My brain failed to connect
with my limbs, and I could not understand how to drive. I could not stop, and
was quickly approaching a red light.
I rolled past the light and my exit, and I lightly ran into
the next car in front of me. The driver of the car in front was a Caucasian
lady. Upon my running into her, she exited her vehicle and slammed the door;
she was livid. She approached my door, and unleashed a stream of profanity and
threats in my direction.
I was unable to fully react. I was unable to speak, as the
disconnect was still occurring in my brain. I proceeded to make awkward facial
and hand gestures to get her to understand my sympathy with her for what
happened, but I was not effective in getting my intended message across. She
stated
adamantly that she would call the cops, and returned to her
car.
I sat, not knowing what to do in this situation. After a few
moments, I regained some control over my body. I opened the door and got out of
my vehicle. I walked up to her car and did something even I did not expect: I
proceeded to undo my pants, and I dropped them, standing at her window. I then
shrugged my shoulders in a gesture as if to say, “Yeah, I have no clue why that
just happened.”
At this gesture, her attitude did a 180. She appeared
stricken with shame, and possibly fear. She seemed unsure, apologized, and
drove away.
With this strange maneuver, I successfully avoided the cops.
I returned to my vehicle, baffled, but not deterred. I was still bent on
getting to work to meet with Victor.
Snippet #3
I had come to the end of my days at university. I finally
graduated and earned my bachelor’s degree in engineering. Such a weight had
been lifted. I had already arranged my job situation, so I did not worry about
being out of work for too long. I was free to just “do me” for a couple months.
This was cause to rejoice and celebrate! (All I wished to do was sleep)
In the last half of my senior year, I started attending a
bible study where I met new friends. A group of them planned to take a trip to
Kansas City for a prayer conference, and they invited me to join them. I was
initially reluctant. I was worn out from lab reports, senior projects, and
final exams. I just wanted to relax. Was that too much to ask? I
vacillated. If I stayed at home, I could catch up on the sleep I desired and
consume large amounts of entertainment. If I went, it would be my first
family-free road trip. I weighed my options and "counted the cost,"
so to speak. Within the week before the conference, I decided that I could not
and should not pass up the opportunity to bond with my friends before we went
our separate ways.
Without doing any research on the conference, I registered
for it and hoped for the best.
We gathered together on the morning of December 27, 2013 and
piled into the designated travel vehicles. Our caravan left from a Walmart
parking lot in Starkville, Mississippi to embark on our road-trip to Kansas
City. I was 24 and in my prime, ready to take on the world. After the
conference, I wished that I could click my heels and escape the woe that trip
to Kansas brought into my life.
About the Author
Claire is an African-American author and a creative at heart. Born in the southern hills of Mississippi, she graduated with a bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering and has been re-designing and re-defining her world to live her best life ever since. She is an advocate for human rights and helps others to find freedom of mind through her coaching. When she is not writing, she can be found catering to Rupert (the family cat), daydreaming about warm spring days and cool fall nights, and whistling (a favorite pastime taught to her by her beloved "Papa Ray").
Sign up for her email list at www.ishiayetoro.com and receive a free gift. Become an advocate with her by exploring www.equalageco.com.
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